Love Triangle

Today my Honey and I celebrate our wedding anniversary. I can say in all honesty and sincerity that I love him more today than the day we wed. We have grown together, laughed a lot, fought on occasion, struggled through difficult issues, prayed together, shared the joy of childbirth when welcoming a new grandbaby, held hands through the painful deaths of loved ones, worked side by side and, yes, even wanted to pinch the others head off now and then. All in all, we have shared the best and worse of each other and still stand together waiting to see what life will bring our way next.

We were marriage war-scarred veterans when we met; too young to contemplate the thought of living alone the rest of our days and too old to be naive and idealistic about merging diverse lives. I do not believe in love at first sight. I think you can fall head over heels in 'lust at first sight' but not love. You cannot love what you do not know and you know nothing of a person until you have spent time getting to know them on purpose. Distance and time allowed my Honey and me to experience different aspects of one another, usually in a group setting, before deciding to explore the possibility of a serious personal relationship. We knew each other for the better part of two years before the courtship dance had us looking at one another in a different light. By then we had a realistic view and made decisions based on godly counsel, much prayer, and countless hours of discussion. Loving someone is a decision of commitment, not a fleeting emotion driven by hormones or capsized by circumstance.

There is but one key to making our relationship work and that is God. We both tried and failed in relationships before and knew a great deal about what not to do in a marriage. We looked back at the actions and attitudes we held in our past lives (no, not reincarnation, silly) and honestly evaluated our personal roles in those failures. We shared with one another about where we failed before…exposing one's vulnerability by laying out your failings and warts can be scary; ever-present is the fear of having those vulnerabilities used against you one day. This is where having a God-led marriage is vital. People are full of human weaknesses that rear an ugly head from time to time to zap your hot buttons when it suits them. Only when tempered by God can you move beyond those attempts because your flesh screams out for revenge and wants to throw fiery darts back. Let me stop here to say…This is one of things NOT to do in marriage.

Keeping score and tally sheets about who hurt whom, when, where and how often is another important NO-NO. If you must keep score, count and list the positive good things your spouse has done for you. This is most difficult on one of the 'pinch their head off' days but probably the most important times to do it. Since we are unlikely to think of anything positive when we are angry, keep a little notebook to log down the good things as they happen rather than fighting through a bramble of angry mental thorns to remember happier moments. Just whip out your little log and read. A reminder of your Better Half's better side can squelch many an angry attitude. They, too, may have cause for complaints about you. Wouldn't it be awesome to know they kept a running tally of your positive contributions, too?

Do not demand your partner share all your interests and opinions to be 'right'. We have many common interests and opinion but we have many different ones, too. In the foundation of a solid relationship, that's okay. Freedom to be different from one another and appreciated for who we are is vital to marriage. No one can walk through life feeling 'less than' or 'wrong' by virtue of his or her individualism. I do not believe we 'complete' another person either, contrary to what Hollywood may have you to believe. God made each of us unique individuals, complete within our selves. I do believe we can complement one another bringing complexities and depth to the relationship, however. This is one of my favorite aspects of our marriage. We complement one another; where I am weak, he is strong and vice versa. God gave every person gifts and talents; ours are different from one another yet work in harmony both in our marriage and in our service of the Lord. Now we have come full circle, back to having a God-led marriage.

When either man or woman tries to dominate a relationship, trouble lies in wait. When both lean on and serve God, letting His will and His Word lead the way, there is no power that can stand against you victoriously. Struggles will still come but you can rest in the knowledge that the Lord is leading the fight. Not only is He leading it, He has already won! His victory dictates your victory. I love God first and my husband second. He loves God first and me second. We would have it no other way! It's the only winning combination; our love triangle!