Many years ago I was having a casual conversation with a former employer I can still call my friend. He asked me, in a baffled tone, if I was aware of a right way and a wrong way to load a dishwasher. I said, of course, there absolutely is. He looked at even more perplexed at hearing my answer.
He explained the previous evening he was in the kitchen with his wife as she prepared dinner. Her routine was to get all the needed ingredients out on the counter before she started. As the process evolved, he decided to help out and put away the spices; she did not appreciate his effort and sent him out of the kitchen. Afterward, he thought he would be helpful by loading the dishwasher. He was informed he was doing it the wrong way and sent out once more. It was obvious he was perplexed by the whole turn of events.
I explained putting away her spices may have been creating more work if she had to retrieve them again; he had not asked what could be put away. Her concern that the dishes would not get clean his way could have been an easy explanation; had they communicated. His heart was in the right place. Her frustration at his efforts defied reason to him. He concluded by saying he believed there was no right or wrong way, simply perspective. It seemed to me trouble arose from not sharing their perspectives with one another. An opportunity for clarifying communication missed.
His observation about perspective has remained with me all these years later. I try to look at my own perplexing situations with others by viewing things from their perspective. I believe we can look at and understand someone else’s point of view without having to agree with or like it. It’s the being listened to that makes the difference.
The trouble is not that people have differing opinions and perspectives, trouble comes when one or both parties refuse to consider the possibility that the other view may have merit. When Person/Group ‘A’ discount the perspective of Person/Group ‘B’ without listening and giving thought to their view, People/Groups start taking things very personally. They feel disrespected and, in common terms, blown-off, without the opportunity to have their views weighed on the scale against the other’s stance. This is when marriages come apart at the seams, business partners become adversaries, churches split, and governments/cultures become enemies. Yes, it is that important.
In families, this is an especially dangerous road to tread. I knew a man once that felt you must not have understood his point of view if you did not agree with him because, had you really understood; you would have seen the error of your ways. He would argue until you said he was right; never concerned about your perspective. Many a relationship died an agonizing death before his eyes.
I was on the phone with a good friend the other day when something on TV caught my attention. I could hear my friend talking but my brain had switched gears and I was not listening to her. Suddenly I realized I no longer even knew what she was saying. I felt badly; I was not showing her proper respect. I turned off the distraction and focused on my friend for the remainder of our conversation. She deserved my full attention.
There is a difference between simply hearing someone talk with your ear and listening to what they are saying. Webster list several definitions for ‘hear’ with the first being the capturing of sound with the ear. That one may be necessary for all other definitions to function but it is of least importance in a relationship. The following, however, can make or break any attempts at fruitful communication.
hear: to listen to with attention : heed : to gain information : learn
listen: to hear something with thoughtful attention : give consideration
Regardless of how crazy and zany someone else’s perspective may seem to you, everyone deserves the right to be heard and listened to as defined above. So with your visual ears ‘hear’ me say this, it is imperative that you hear and listen as described above to other’s perspectives if you want your own to be heard as described above. Nothing shuts down communication and minds faster than coming across as not listening to the heart and voice of the person speaking; an opportunity for clarifying communication needlessly missed.
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