10 Tips for Surviving Holidays with Family

Today I am sharing a post I read on another blog about tips for dealing with difficult family members for the holidays. Not that any of you could possible have difficult family members...LOL Take some time and read this, it might save you a headache or two! Remember, your most difficult relative may be the one in the mirror.
You’re sitting around the Christmas tree, or the Menorah, or the fruitcake and bottle of scotch, with your family. Everyone’s in a great mood, grateful for this time together. The glimmer of holiday lights reflects off the blanket of white, fluffy snow. Alternating scents of pine and apple pie waft thorough the house. Your family is telling funny stories from the past and lamenting the fact that you don’t get to spend time together like this more often. Or, maybe not. If this isn’t your typical holiday experience, read on—this one’s for you.
If love and laughter by the fire are sometimes replaced with tension and resentment, or the feeling that you can’t really be yourself, you’re not alone. If passive-aggressive comments—or worse, aggressive-aggressive comments—are shared more than funny childhood stories, the holidays probably don’t feel like the happiest time of the year.
Here are 10 tips to help you survive the holiday season, or any season, with difficult family members. Disclaimer: This is a very Enlightened way to deal with difficult family members. Most likely, you aren’t going to be able to all of these things all of the time without a ton of practice. I certainly can’t do them all, all the time. Not even close. Please don’t strive for perfection. There is a huge range of possible outcomes between expressing love by the fire and throwing insults and turkey at each other for two days. Strive to land closer to the former than the latter, and you’ll be doing great. Use these tips to feel better than you do now, not to feel completely content and fulfilled by your family

10 Tips for Dealing with Difficult Family Members

1. Work on accepting them exactly as they are. Number 1 for a reason. It’s at the root of everything, and it’s also probably the most difficult thing on the list. A gigantic proportion of your frustration comes from wanting others to be different than they are. You know you can’t change them—wishing for them to act the way you would act only drives you crazy. When you accept them exactly as they are, your resistance and inner battle dies down. Acceptance doesn’t = approving of or condoning what they do. It just means you stop expecting them to be different than they are.
2. Don’t take things so personally; it’s really not about you. It’s not—their stuff is about them, not you. If they disapprove of the date you brought, start pressuring you to find a job, don’t thank you for the gift you spent hours picking out…that’s about them. They get to choose their behaviors, and what they choose is always more a function of their experiences and their worldview than it is about you. So they’re the kind of person who asks rude questions or doesn’t appreciate gifts. Fine. It has nothing to do with you.
3. Choose your battles when it comes to addressing things that bother you. Of course there are exceptions and there may be times you desperately need to speak up for yourself or leave the situation. But by and large, family time during the holidays is relatively short and infrequent. Remind yourself that you’re leaving town tomorrow and take the high road by letting things go.
4. Guard your energy. It’s easy to let your energy be influenced by others, especially when you’re feeling vulnerable. When tension is high, you can literally feel the energy in a room shift. Don’t let your energy be hijacked by anyone else. Decide how you want to feel and consciously, purposely set about to feel that way. Your own calm energy is your best asset, hands down.
5. Visualize. How can you guard your energy? My favorite visualization is what I call BOT (Big, Old Tree). Imagine yourself as a huge, tall, old tree with roots spreading deep into the ground and lots of branches and leaves extending out around you. Your roots and your thick, strong trunk are your true self, the part of you that can’t be affected by others. The only impact others might have is on your branches and leaves. They may come through like a storm and ruffle your leaves, but the ‘damage’ is superficial, temporary, and minimal. Your basic roots and trunk—who you really are—are not affected. When there is tension in the room, I like to visualize it fluttering around in the space around me (where my imaginary leaves would be), but never actually reaching me.
6. Take responsibility. Look at yourself and your actions. It’s natural to dive into defensiveness when you’re challenged or attacked, but try examining yourself from their point of view. If you’ve done something that isn’t the highest expression of who you want to be, acknowledge and apologize for it. No blame, no justification or explanation necessary. Simply and sincerely apologize for any role you may have played in the disagreement so that you can put it behind you and move on. That’s Enlightened.
7. Ask: How is this situation perfect? You’ve heard it before—difficult people are your greatest teachers. They challenge you, they bring up your stuff, and they test your limits. But they also shape who you are, especially when those difficult people are family members. I believe that everyone in your life is here on purpose; they’re all part of a rotating cast of characters perfectly chosen to help you become more of Who You Really Are. With that perspective, how is your current family situation perfect? What is it teaching you that you desperately want to learn? How will you grow from the conflict? How can you use this situation to improve your other relationships or help someone in a similar situation?
8. Don’t compare your family to others. No family is perfect. The ones that look perfect only appear so from your outside perspective. Everyone’s dealing with something in life; if it’s not family drama, it’s something else. Comparing your family to others’ is the opposite of accepting them exactly as they are. That’s why it hurts to do it. The more you compare, the worse you feel, period.
9. Choose being happy over being right. You know how you’re 100% confident that you’re right and they’re wrong? Well, I have news for you. They’re just as sure that they’re right and you’re wrong. Since you aren’t going to change their mind, why not decide that it’s enough that you know you’re right and leave it at that. Choose peace and happiness over righteousness.
10. Practice compassion. Although it’s hard to give difficult people love, they’re the ones who need it most. No one wants to be snarky or envious or fearful. Any action that’s not based in love is based in fear. Everyone has a story. If you knew their story, you’d have compassion for them. Try to remember that, especially when it’s so easy to judge them for being difficult. Practice compassion for your family. If they knew better, they’d do better. Plus, by offering compassion to them, you’re generating it in yourself. Win-win.

Twelve Days of Christmas

My Honey shared an email he received on the Twelve Days of Christmas. I cannot say if it is accurate historical information but it sure is nice. Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens,
swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with   Christmas ?

This week, I found out.

From 1558 until 1829,   Roman Catholics   in   England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

-The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.

-Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.

- Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.

-The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.

-The five golden rings recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.

-The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.

- Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching,   Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.

-The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.

-Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and   Self Control.

-The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.

-The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.

-The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

So there is your history for today. This knowledge was shared with me and I found it interesting and enlightening and now I know how that strange song became a Christmas Carol...so pass it on if you wish.'

Merry (Twelve Days of) Christmas, Everyone!

Competition

Competition can be a double-edged sword. On one side, you have healthy, good-natured competition. Then there is the other side that can be divisive and used for evil.

In our family - my husband and me, our grown kids, and now older grandchildren - we have a friendly baking competition each Christmas. This year, the category is homemade bread. Everyone is encouraged to enter. There is the usual smack-talk full of reminders of victories past, bragging rights, pumped up claims of expertise, and down right chest thumping (this from our men folk). It's good-natured and fun. Do not be deceived; this is full out competition! We take our bake-offs seriously! 

The first year we enlisted a neighboring couple as judges. That year, coconut crème pie was up. We do it right, the judges ate a piece of saltine cracker and drank water between each entry. While they took their responsibility seriously, we have not asked them back as judges. Seems the man did not know the difference between fresh whipped cream and deflated meringue. As the entry with the fresh whipped cream, I was a bit put off when he thought my meringue fell!! Taste buds of a cave man! To this day, I harangue him about that!

Last year, Haylie, our oldest granddaughter won with her brownies. This year, we have a new first-time contestant, son Kristopher. I think he picked an ambitious year to enter; baking bread is not for the faint of heart. He was seriously shopping for the perfect bread-baking pan a couple of days after Thanksgiving where we made the announcement we would compete with bread. I did not tell him my first several attempts at making bread and/or rolls ended with lumps of a clay-like substance suitable for building patios. They were inedible, unattractive and tossed out – one tearful batch after another. Thankfully, those years are behind me.

That is a good example of healthy competition. There are plenty of the unhealthy types floating around out to snare you, too.

Believe it or not, there are some seemingly benign factors competing to steal your time and attention away from your faith walk. It may not seem such a bad way to pass a Sunday morning by sleeping-in and snuggling under the covers but if it becomes a powerful habit, it can keep you from fellowship with the brethren. Who among hasn't been tempted to take the family to the lake or beach instead of church? Catching 15 minutes of extra sleep might not seem evil, but if that same 15 minutes used to be spent reading scripture before work, it elevates it's power from simple extra sleep to roadblocks in your daily diet of God's Word. Fear, depression, anxiety compete with peace, joy and contentment. Flesh-natured thoughts compete with spiritual mindsets. Unhealthy competition opportunities are all around us.  

So, Friends, let's continue to encourage one another to fight the good fight against those dastardly elements competing with all that godly in our lives. Let us endeavor to make all our competitions good, pure, clean, and holy.

I'll let you know who wins the bread competition this year.

Rebuking Rejection

At one time or another, everyone deals with rejection. No one is immune. Rejection can leave you feeling a mixed bag of unhealthy emotions ranging from unworthiness to a self-destructive identity crisis. Here's something to remember when fireballs of rejection head your way:

God saw and approved of you while you were still in your mother's womb. (Ps. 139:13-16). He gave you survival tools that would bring you to the place you are today. He is our Father that waits for us to come home to the truth – the truth that will set you free (John 8:32).

I'm listing some reference verses to look up and read to remind you when thoughts and feeling of rejection haunt you that you are a beloved child of God. His Word is your shield against all fiery darts of the enemy (Eph 6:16,17).

Ephesians

(1:3)I am blessed with all spiritual blessings in the heavenly places in Christ

(1:4) I am chosen by You, my Father

(1:5) I am Your child according to the good pleasure of Your will

(1:6) I am accepted in the Beloved

(1:11) I am an heir

(2:10) I am Your workmanship

(2:15) I am a new creation

(2:19) I am of Your household

(3:16) I am strengthened with might by Your Spirit

(3:17) I allow Christ to dwell in my heart by faith. I am rooted and grounded in love

(4:23) I am renewed in the spirit of my mind

Romans 8:37 I am more than a conqueror

Revelations 12:11 I am an overcomer

1 Peter 2:24 I am healed

John 8:36 I am free

1 John 5:4 I am victorious

Friends, when we experience rejection, we tend to cling on to those hurts and injuries. I bet right now you can recall more than one rejection from your past. It's time to stop giving them power over how we feel. Keep a copy of the verses above in your purse, wallet, briefcase, whatever. These are our weapons against the enemy of rejection when people or situations try to fan a fire against us. With them we can confidently declare, "The Lord is my Light and my Salvation – whom shall I fear or dread? The Lord is the Refuge and Stronghold of my life – of whom shall I be afraid? (Ps. 27:1)

 

What I Learned the Hard Way

There have been many times in my life when I didn't know how I could make it through the day without losing my mind. Sometimes I felt my mind went on a mini-vacation and left me behind in the wake of chaos and devastation. Breathing was something I had to remind myself to do! I'm not joking, I literally would find myself holding my breath without realizing it. Other times, I hyper-ventilated in anxiety. I could see no way out of the situation of that time.

The last thing I needed was well-meaning albeit untimely advice and platitudes from friends that had not walked in my shoes. Out of love and concern for me and mine, they hopped on the emotional roller coaster with me. "All for one and one for all" sort of thing. It felt good to know there were those that were ready to take up arms with me...the blind leading the blind.

I made many rash decisions that led to many rash actions that created more chaos and devastation. Perpetual heartache...

The words below would have been consoling and beneficial, had I known them. May your heart be open to hearing them with spiritual ears and may the peace that passes all understanding be your cloak against the hard times.


What has a grip on your heart? Think about the things that trouble you. Perhaps you’re dealing with financial need, relational stress, difficult circumstances, or lingering illness. What are we supposed to do with all the challenging situations we face? Jesus’ words can seem like a pat answer to our very real dilemma because saying, “Do not let your heart be troubled” doesn’t change our feelings.
However, a more accurate interpretation is, “Be troubled no longer.” Jesus isn’t saying that we are to deny our feelings and put on a happy face, but rather that we’re not to let anxiety conquer us. Yes, we will experience trials, but through the power of the Holy Spirit, we can endure struggles with the peace of Christ.
But how do we move from overwhelming distress to undisturbed tranquility? Begin by focusing immediately on the Lord, not on the circumstance, trusting Him to help you through it. Read the Scriptures so you can understand His perspective on the problem and search out His promises. Then believe God and do whatever He says, because you can never have His peace without obedience. And lastly, present your troubles to the Lord in prayer, not just with requests for their removal, but with thanks for His strength to endure them.
The next time you feel a rush of fear or anxiety, remember Jesus’ remedy: “Believe Me!” (vv. 1, 11). If you trust that He loves you and has a good purpose for allowing that difficulty in your life, you can thank Him no matter what you feel or what the outcome may be. Faith always ushers in His peace.

Unashamed

I Declare….

 I'm a part of the fellowship of the unashamed. The die has been cast. I have stepped over the line. The decision has been made. I'm a disciple of His and I won't look back, let up, slow down, back away, or be still.
     

My past is redeemed. My present makes sense. My future is secure. I'm done and finished with low living, sight walking, small planning, smooth knees, colorless dreams, tamed visions, mundane talking, cheap living, and dwarfed goals.
     

I no longer need preeminence, prosperity, position, promotions, plaudits, or popularity. I don't have to be right, or first, or tops, or recognized, or praised, or rewarded. I live by faith, lean on His presence, walk by patience, lift by prayer, and labor by Holy Spirit power.
     

My face is set. My gait is fast. My goal is heaven. My road may be narrow, my way rough, my companions few, but my guide is reliable and my mission is clear.
     

I will not be bought, compromised, detoured, lured away, turned back, deluded, or delayed.
     

I will not flinch in the face of sacrifice or hesitate in the presence of the adversary. I will not negotiate at the table of the enemy, ponder at the pool of popularity, or meander in the maze of mediocrity.
     

I won't give up, shut up, or let up until I have stayed up, stored up, prayed up, paid up, and preached up for the cause of Christ.
     

I am a disciple of Jesus. I must give until I drop, preach until all know, and work until He comes. And when He does come for His own, He'll have no problems recognizing me. My colors will be clear!

************************************************************************
I did not write this, but I stand by every word and ask you, Lord Jesus, to help me live it every day of my life. Amen

The man that did write it was put to death for refusing to deny Jesus.

Micah 7

Micah 7:7-9  But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy, though I fall I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me. I will bear indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against Him, until He pleads my case and executes justice for me. He will bring me out into the light, and I will see His righteousness.

Micah, the southern prophet, was a contemporary of Isaiah in Judah and Hosea in Israel, prophesying in the last third of the eighth century B.C. He spoke up against national sin, foretold of the birth of the Messiah in Bethlehem, and credited with the most succinct description in the O.T. for God's requirement of man. Chapter 6 verse 8: He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?

The words from 7:7 above touched me this morning. I, too, wait expectantly for the Lord. I will never cease to wait for the God of my salvation to move in my life because I know He does this all the time! My enemies, whatever they may be at any point in time, will not derive any satisfaction or rejoice in the times I fall, because my Lord will pick me up and set me on my feet before they have time to realize I've fallen. The comfort and peace of that knowledge is more valuable than any thing this earth or man can bring.

I remember a time when I did not walk in that peace, when a fall could be devastating. I do not want to forget because it serves to tender my heart for those not walking with the knowledge and peace of God. I remember the fear and uncertainty of each day, not knowing "how or why or where" I would receive the next blow, always waiting for the proverbial other shoe to drop…usually on my head! The world is full of angry, sad people waiting for that shoe, too. These people are God's people just as much as you or me. They may not know it yet but they are His. These people need others, like Micah of his day, and us in this day, to share the love of God with them. Indeed, I hope I never forget the loneliness of life without God so I will always be mindful of sharing with others the joy and expectation of watching the Lord work in my life.

Micah 7:7-9  But as for me, I will watch expectantly for the Lord; I will wait for the God of my salvation. My God will hear me. Do not rejoice over me, O my enemy, though I fall I will rise; though I dwell in darkness, the Lord is a light for me. I will bear indignation of the Lord because I have sinned against Him, until He pleads my case and executes justice for me. He will bring me out into the light, and I will see His righteousness.