When Identity and People Pleasing Collide

Once upon a time and long, long ago, I discovered I could not please everyone. Sometimes, you cannot please anyone but you certainly cannot please all the people all the time. People do not always want the truth when they ask your opinion and often want you to give a pat answer that meets their expectations. I learned this at the very early age of seven (7) when my future stepfather's mother asked me if I was excited about having him as a new father. I told her NO, I was not! She asked why and I told her I did not like him. To say that set the tone for our relationship is an understatement. I did not have the words to say I found him deceitful, selfish, sleazy, conceited, and a braggart. He was that way when I was seven and he is that way still today. No people pleasing to be had that day, I assure you! Truth and honesty, I discovered, would get you in trouble. I decided then I had to be truthful and honest regardless of the trouble riding on its coattail. Consequently, Trouble plagued me for it!

My mother used to say you never had to wonder where you stood with me because I would tell you. I had a close friend that would ask my opinion but preface it with the request not to be painfully honest. I never understood why people would ask my opinion when they really didn't want to hear it! I had my own version of the "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy long before today's military plan.

Still, I can look back on my life and see where I tiptoed into the land of People Pleasing from time to time. Though it went against the grain of my conscience, I tried being what I thought others wanted me to be because obviously, who I really was neither pleased nor made them happy. Maybe if I was prettier, the house was cleaner, the kids were quieter, or I cooked better….maybe I could please this person or that. You know what, in trying to please others all the time, I lost me! I literally could look in the mirror and not recognize the person looking back. Oh, sure, her face was familiar, but her soul was foreign to me. I sold my identity in the name of pleasing other people. Depression became my new best friend, and together we slid into the abyss of despair. Desperate people make desperate decisions and take desperate actions. It's a self-fueling fire of destruction. I needed the heart and determination of that honest seven-year-old girl back if I was to survive. Fortunately, God was looking out for me when I wasn't able to look after myself.

I felt very alone most of my life and never felt I truly belonged because the honesty that I felt was necessary for my survival was never enough for others. People either liked me a lot or didn't like me at all. There was never any middle ground. My few true friends were loyal and loved me in spite of myself, I guess. Still, I always felt acceptance was just out of reach. People would say they liked/loved me and then proceed to try to make me fit the mold they had in mind. You see, I thought the transparency I tried to walk in was the honest, truthful way and what you see with me is exactly what you get. These were not the qualities of a People Pleaser and that rubs some people the wrong way.

It took the love of God and the time seeking Him for me to accept and understand being the authentic me, the way He made me with my sensibilities and personality, was not a personal faultiness. Before learning my identity in Christ, I felt flawed because I was different from others. Learning I was uniquely made, rather than flawed by my differences, was an eye-opening lesson. The hardest part was accepting that God saw me through the eyes of Christ's sacrifice, pure and holy. I certainly never felt pure and holy. I had to believe by faith in the knowledge of Him that God could see me that way.

The gift of discernment allowed that little girl to see into people and know their hearts even at that tender age. The oft' unpopular prophetic forth telling of Old Testament days stills lives in those that speak the truth regardless of circumstance. I didn't ask to be this way, my life would have been a lot easier if I were not. Knowing God crafted and designed me to be this way makes dealing with the consequences tolerable. Knowing God's plan prepared me to be useful to Him makes all the struggles of my life worthwhile. He has tempered my mouth with wisdom and compassion though I still speak the truths He shows me. People still do not like it for the most part. My identity is in Christ and I seek to please Him, not people. My identity will always collide with People Pleasers and that's okay with me. My prayer is that you find the same acceptance in Christ and realize you are who you are because of Who He is and what He wants you to be. Take joy in that knowledge and let Him shine through the uniqueness of YOU!